Today was pretty good actually. Setting up the party was kinda a pain in the ass, but it looked good. It was a bee theme (shyannes idea). I got to see alot of family I havent seen in awhile. Seth, and matthew were there. idk why aidan wasnt there, or why the entire other half of dads family wasnt there, but other than that it was alright.
dad was at work today, so just mom and cruz showed up. Oh man, seeing my mom and shayannes dad interact today was fucking weird and awkward. They eventually loosened up to each other and starting talking to each other like nothing happened, but that first interaction between them was fucking rough lol. Her dad was even inviting my familiy to their 4th of july bbq coming up. It seems like things are starting to heal between our parents, but theres still some things to work on. Especially between her dad and my dad.
I did hate being the center of attention today though.... Yeah I know it was a gender reveal for our baby, but I still didnt like it at all. There were so many cameras and shit pointed at our faces, I fucking hated it. But like, who doesnt take photos and videos at parties like this. I saw it coming, but still hated it.
Shyannes brother raven took hella photos at the party today. I gotta save those and put them on here at some point, but alot of them were kinda lame. God, did I mention I am probably the most skinniest motherfucker you will ever meet? I looked like a fucking twig in those photos. I hate how I look. I think I look fucking retarded. My limbs are hella long and I look so out of place and awkward. I really need to bulk up. and get back to exercising. I bought a weight vest to workout at home so hopefully I can start a good routine with that soon. Since I have no plans on showing ANYONE this, I can write this freely without anyone knowing. I really didnt want to have this party today, because I honestly dont think that me and shyanne will last. I still really dont want this baby, and I just want to do my own thing.... alone. I've never really wanted this at all. Having a big party, and merging our families together like today wasnt something I really wanted. Hell, this might be the LAST time both of our families will ever see each other, because I feel like something between me and her is going to happen.
She's mentioned that she "wants to get an abortion" (which is what I wanted to do at first). Shyanne says shit like this becuase she thinks that shes going to be all alone in this pregnancy... and she's not really wrong. I have this urge to tell her to do it, but I have to pretend like I do want this baby so that I have something to fall back on if she decides to continue with the pregnancy, give birth, and break up with me. I dont want her to bring up times where i told her to get an abortion if we were ever to take that to court.
to be honest, she says all time that "oh im gonna be doing all the work, and I'm going to be all alone in all of this" but in the back of my head, im like "well what happens when your POTS gets worse? Who's going to do all the shit around the house, with the kid, etc while you are having one of your Flare ups????"
ME thats who.
And as time goes on with this kid, shes going to realize that maybe having a child at this age, is a TERRIBLE idea. But by then, it would be too late. The baby is already out at that point, and theres really no getting rid of it unless you want to look like terrible human beings by giving it up for adoption. I'm practically baby trapped. Everyone now knows that we are having a baby. Gone are the days of staying up late at night playing video games with the boys, worry free. No more free will. Most of my freedoms are stripped away from me now. I was robbed of the future that I wanted to desperatley live.
There's no going back. I'm fucked
-- Alejandro DeLeon